Friday, December 21, 2007

On the horror of Christmas

Now I realise that it's once a year, but why, dear god WHY do people act like it's the apocalypse? I like to act with surgical precision over this festive period. Strict military planning. Plan the arrival, the path that'll minimize casualties and time lost, and if we lose a man, we'll raise a glass to his memory that night.

Sadly this plan has become harder to carry out in recent time as people get progressively more insane around this time of year. With five days to go yesterday, I decided that rather than leave stuff until the last minute, it was time to get done. I hit two grocery stores and a liquor store.

The first grocery store was insane. Everyone was crowded into the tiny produce section. Apparently their entire lives were staked on the need to buy a turnip! Sadly I needed a turnip. I managed to snatch one and run before the slavering hordes realised I had stolen one of their prizes. The onions proved less troublesome and I managed to snag me a nice one before bolting for the baking section.

Everyone is so damn miserable when you're out shopping for Christmas. I try and stay chipper. Since having kids I've rediscovered my love of Christmas. Not only that, I approach it with the mentality that we're all in this together, and why be so down about it all? It takes more muscle to smile than it does to blah blah bloody blah.

I'm bored with this entry now. Reliving the horror is no fun... "You weren't there man..." Suffice to say my final shopping experience yesterday sums up everything. For the first time in eight years, I decided to buy some beer. Moosehead to be precise. I know nothing about beer, and my wife hates beer, but remembers having some 15 years ago and it being quite nice. So I pick up a six pack of bottles. I notice a sign that says "Get a free glass when you purchase a six pack of Moosehead." So I figured "SCORE! First time buying beer in eight years and I get a free glass. Sweet!" So I take it to the counter. "It says I get a free glass with this." Judging from the reaction I think it must have sounded like I said "It says I get one of your lungs when I buy this pack." I was given a look by the girl behind the counter like she may turn feral at any moment. She sighed loudly, and reached beneath the counter and with seemingly all the effort in the world, retrieved my free glass. Then proceeded to ring up my purchases while asking the customers behind me for their ID. Asked if I wanted stuff bagged, to which I said yes. This was met with another sigh as stuff was double bagged... Then my receipt was thrown at me and before I'd even managed to put away my bank card she was half way through serving the next customer.

Still, at least I got a free glass...

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